Today is October 10th 2022.
I just published Episode #17 Saturday the 8th. I touched a little bit on mental health when talking about the story of the 27 year old News Anchor who took her own life up in Wisconsin.
How she sent a heartbreaking text to her ex fiancé who broke up with her and called off the wedding 2 months before it was supposed to happen.
It somehow organically moved to men’s mental health and as well as my battle with depression and how I had the worst year of my life mentally in 2017. That for 11 months I was in a very dark place. Deep down in a rabbit hole.
And how CRPS also causes depression. Yeah…awesome. But how in December in 2017 as strange as it sounded, me getting cancer a 2nd time actually brought me out of the dark. Because now I have something to fight.
Then I touched on grief. How I lost a very dear friend. A lifelong friend. One that I had known since I was 4 and she was 6. How I loved her from the very start even before I knew what love was.
Our families were close. Her brother and sister skated when they were young, at my parent’s skating rink.
She was a beautiful angel. I carried a torch for her …well just about my entire life.
Her family had moved to Ocala, Florida at one point. But we would go down there to see them in the summer on our way to Daytona. Her stepfather ran some hotels. We went to 6 Guns down there together. To the various skating rinks together and showed them skaters what speed skating and shuffle skating was all about lol.
Then they would eventually move to Daytona when her stepfather was offered to take over a hotel there. I think it was called The Carnival.
And then they would come back here in Roanoke, VA and visit us. The 2 of us saw Cannonball Run together at the theater here. And of course…lots of skating.
Skating was Tammy’s and my thing.
We shuffle skated together a lot when we were young. But there were 2 songs we loved to skate the most to.
Upside Down by Diana Ross. And Take Your (Do It Right) by the SOS Band.
Those 2 songs make me smile but also reminds me of the whole that’s left in my heart that she used to occupy.
One summer she came up here and stayed with me at my parent’s house for the summer while the rest of her family went back to Daytona.
At the time, we had 2 guest bedrooms as I slept downstairs in my bedroom where the pool table, tanning bed, and downstairs entertainment room with TV and 2 couches where.
She would come with us…meaning myself and my father as we worked out Summer Day Camp at the skating rink. And all the activities we did. Swimming, bowling, horse riding, all kinds and yes skating too.
By this time I am around 14 or 15. And it was absolutely heaven for me. I was around Tammy almost 24/7. And I knew that the feeling I had all those years was love. Even at 14 or 15. I knew it was real love. She was this beautiful angel who I knew since I was 4.
Who, when I was in kindergarten, tried to impress by skating with my hands over my eyes and slammed my head into a support beam on the walkway off floor area at the rink, splitting my head open and having to get stitches IN LOVE with her. Yeah…TRUE STORY.
That next school year, a guy she and I both knew, spoke bad about her. Uh oh. And he did so in front of me. He had asked her out and she rejected him. I politely asked him not to call her names in front of me. This was in the lunch room. He was two years ahead of me. We all knew each other because of the skating rink. Hell most of the school knew me because of the skating rink because they all went there.
But….he said…fuck you and fuck that whore. Oh boy….nope…not having any of that. I went from politely asking to I grabbed a lunch tray (those hard plastic ones where it has a spot for each piece of food) and broke it up side his face, tackled him and started landing punches to his face. He was on the football team so his teammates that was in the lunchroom too at the time pulled me off him and about that time some teachers and an assistant principal came over and broke it up.
I was sent to the principal office to explain what happened. I told the truth and why it happened. And well…because I was defending Tammy’s honor…and I had NEVER gotten in trouble EVER before…I just got 3 days of in school suspension.
So did the kid, Sean, who called her that. No one, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, was going to get away with bad mounting Tammy in my presence. Yeah that’s what young and dumb teenagers do. Lol.
Tammy and her family eventually moved back home. And she would bring her daughter skating.
Everything felt right. Tammy was close to Roanoke. And back skating. And each time I saw her, I was reminded why I carried a torch for her and still did.
But I never acted on it because I was usually in a relationship and would never think of hurting anyone like that.
Plus all those years, I never thought I was good enough for her when I was growing up. Yeah I was stupid then.
As time moved on, Tammy got stick.
Real sick. For years. She battled COPD. And other health conditions kept her from getting the treatment that could have helped her.
The year is 2020.
The Pandemic is hitting the nation.
Tammy has gotten worse. Not related to COVID.
Her sister Tina has been in commutation with me telling me how bad Tammy has gotten.
She gives me Tammy’s new phone number. As I’ve been trying to get in touch with Tammy via Facebook messenger. But Tammy isn’t that great with technology.
I call Tammy. It was bittersweet. Hearing her voice made my heart sing and cry at the same time. Because I’m talking to my one true soulmate. And she sounds in pain. Trouble breathing. I want to cry. But I am fighting back all my tears with all my strength so she doesn’t hear it. I act like nothing is wrong.
We just talk about life. That’s it. Talk about the old days. About old times, skating, Daytona.
Then things got worse later in 2020. In September she kept having to go in the hospital. She ended up just having 10% lung capacity. She could breaht in. But she couldn’t exhale properly. Which gave her the feeling of drowning. Causing her to panic.
At one point they put her into a medically induced coma. The doctors said if she could pull through this, then she could come home. If not, her wish was not to be on a ventilator for more than 2 weeks.
Of course I’m devastated by this news but hoping the universe gives her strength to pull through.
Well Tammy’s a fighter and she pulled through and they sent her home.
But the fight wasn’t over. She would end up back in the hospital many time more. And it was wearing on her body. Sometimes she would wins back up at the hospital on the same day she was released.
One time while she was in for an extended time, it was during the hospital COVID protocols.
Only one person per day. So her family wanted to make sure I had time to go see her. Because they didn’t know what could happen. So they designated a day for me to go.
Now I’m not that mobile anymore. I’m racked with pain constantly with CRPS. But nothing was going to stop me from seeing Tammy. Even if I had to crawl naked through broken glass, I was going to get there to be by her side.
I got to the hospital, went to the gift shop, and the biggest teddy bear they had. Which wasn’t huge but still pretty big.
I get to her floor. They buzz me in. I go to her room. She has a full mask on with tubes all over.
She’s asleep. I touch her arm and she wakes up. She says SCOTTY! (When I was young I hated that name BUT she was the ONLY one that I allowed to call me that. Then I go name myself Scotty Blaze in wrestling. Lol But her sister, niece, daughter and mother all call me Scotty because of her. Lol)
She struggles to talk and it is hard to hear her with that mask on. But I don’t care. I’m there to see her. Because she wanted to see me she told her mom. That’s why they made a time for me.
And….I confessed. I finally confessed how I felt about her all those years. All those decades. How she has always been my beautiful angel as I gave her the Teddy Bear. That I wished I had had the courage to have told her so long ago when we were both young.
She said she had loved me too. And she got tears on her eyes. But I didn’t want her to get upset because it would make it harder for her to breathe.
So I just sat in a chair next to her and she fell in and out of sleep.
Eventually it was time for me to go. So I stood up and brushed her hair out of her eyes, and gently kissed her on her forehead, told her I loved her and I would see her when she got out. She had the teddy bear in her arms when I left.
She did get out a couple of days later. Her daughter told me she named the teddy bear Little Scotty. A d that it was our child lol. She kills me lol.
And then she was back in again. This was around the first half of October. On the 28th, it was her birthday. I call her and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone. Her breathing has gotten worse.
I tell her we need to just move to Daytona where she lived for a while and that the ocean air would be better for her. And we both started laughing.
The next day she ended up back at the hospital. I called her sister to check up on her. She didn’t have any updates. But her mother got on the phone.
Both her mother and sister knew how I felt about Tammy. I had told them at some point. Her daughter too. (Fun Fact. Her daughter actually worked with me for a while at the call center here in Roanoke for HSN) Her sister had always know. But her mother told me on the phone that she read Tammy a poem I wrote for her and she asked Tammy if she had known how I felt.
Tammy told her yes and that if they hadn’t moved to Florida lol those years ago, we would have been together and more than likely gotten married. THAT BLEW MY MIND!!!
I called Tammy the next day. She was getting release and just waiting on the paperwork. The doctors couldn’t do anything else for her. They gave her a choice. Stay in the hospital or go home. They she might have a few days left or a few weeks. MY…HEART…SHATTERED. Right there and then. No it can’t be. No no no no. Not her. Anyone but her. Take me instead universe. Fucking take me. Leave her alone dammit.
A day passed, and my phone rings. Tammy’s name shows up on the display. I’m filled with joy just seeing it. That feeling didn’t last. Tammy accidentally called me when she was trying to call Hospice. She was trying to get her affairs in order.
In the meantime, her daughter and sister had reached out to me about starting a fundraiser to help cover funeral expenses. I jumped in with both feet. They told me what the cost would ballpark be. I set up the GoFundMe. And I asked my friends to please donate. I’ve kept my friends in the loop about Tammy. They’ve been on this journey with me. They know how I’ve felt and what she means to me. And that I’ve never asked them for a favor before. And I shared the shit out of it. And they came through for the most part. And even some sent in checks after DMing me for my address. They didn’t want it known they donated. It was company checks I received. I didn’t ask questions lol.
On November 6th I wrote a other poem for her. Her body was just so worn out. I wrote a poem titled It’s Ok To Go. I don’t want to lose her. But I don’t want her to be in pain and hurt any more. God I can’t imagine a world without her. But it looks like it’s going to happen and I am lost. So lost.
Then November 8th came. At 11:50pm, her sister messaged me on Facebook saying it’s almost time and that Hospice has been called. My heart sunk. I got up and got dressed as fast as I could. Which on a good day is hard with my CRPS hand. And walking to my van is hard enough with my mobility on a good day. But add in that I’m told that it’s about time that Tammy is crossing over and I need to be there???? Fuck…how does one get dressed fat enough?
I rush over there as fast as I could. I get to the house. Tammy’s sister, Tina, is standing outside the front door. I walk up to her with my cane. Tina has tears in her eyes. Tina tells me that Tammy just passed 2 minutes ago. I was too late.
She passed away at 12:16am November 9th 2020. 53 years old. The age I am now. I walk in sit in a chair beside the bed they had for her, hold her hand in mine, and place my forehead on her hand.
And I sit there and just let the tears flow. My beautiful angel is gone. I feel like my soul has been ripped apart. My spirit is diminished with her passing. Even with all this lead up it never crossed my mind I would ever be on this planet without her. It didn’t matter if she was in another state or not. There always supposed to be a Scott and Tammy walking this earth at the same time.
Just like she had on her shirt one time in Ocala sitting on the edge of the pool. Back when Iron On letters were a thing. She had Scott-N-Tammy on the back of her shirt the first day we arrived at her stepfather’s hotel one year when we were little. Probably around 11 and her 13. Maybe you get.
I get up from Tammy’s side, and go seek out her daughter and niece who was there. I give Heather, her daughter, a big hug. And we both just stand there and cry. Same with her niece Kimberly.
When I made a post about her passing, there were more than 200 comments. Friends that were on that journey with me, offering their condolences.
That night, or rather eat morning I had a dream. It was of Tammy. It was of her and me at the skating rink. I knew right then when it’s my time, she will be waiting on me with skates on.
Then on the night of November 10th, I had another dream. This time of my dad. Only the 3rd one of him since he passed in 2013. He told me Tammy was going to be ok. That she was going to be ok. And that she was to the rink tomorrow to stay. Basically he was going to take care of her like he did when she was little.
It's been almost 2 years since Tammy’s passing. And I still haven’t really gotten over it. For the better part of a year and a half, I cried every single night. It wasn’t until recently when I spoke to a female friend asking me why do I think she might still be hanging around. My friend is very spiritual.
It got me thinking. Had she not crossed over because I haven’t let her? Because I’ve held on not wanting to let go? To lose her? Then I felt guilty. Then I felt a sense of a weight lifted off me. And then that first night after talking to my friend, I didn’t cry. And I haven’t cried since.
But on episode #17, when talking about depression, and lose, it came all rushing back. Talking about losing a loved one. A dear friend. And that it’s ok, not to be ok. And that there are people to talk to. And that 988 is available 24/7.
That we all need help every now and then. And there is nothing to be ashamed of. And that the stigma around men’s mental health needs change. And change drastically. It’s not s macho thing to keep it all bottled up. That’s what is killing people. That’s what causes stress. Which can cause all other kinds of health issues. And relationship issues. Which then can just compile on the stress a man is already feeling.
If anyone is having a crisis, please reach out for help.
988 has been designated as the new three-digit dialing code that will route callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. While some areas may be currently able to connect to the Lifeline by dialing 988
Or
Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime. Crisis Text Line is here for any crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from a secure online platform. The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.
Please use these resources that are there for you.
You have value. Don’t let permanent solution end a temporary problem. And please remember IT’S OK, NOT TO BE OK.
Until next time,
Scotty Blaze
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